Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
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Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
The French cow says MEUX…
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym