I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
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BRO LMFAO
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
This makes total sense…
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family