@shay_bayla

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

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@Contwixt

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

@Illuminati_Stop

BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.

@ComedicBust

My uber driver’s looking at me like he’s never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.

@8bitf0x

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

@BGH70

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

@WheelTod

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

@lazerdoov

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

@sixfootcandy

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

@tweetsbyrocket

[gf moving in]

her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement

me: sure, make yourself at home