Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
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BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN 1961. 1+9+6+1= 17. YOU KNOW WHO USED TO BE 17 YEARS OLD? HITLER.
My uber driver’s looking at me like he’s never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[gf moving in]
her: can i set up a cloning machine in the basement
me: sure, make yourself at home
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*