I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?