I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.