@InternetHippo

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

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@tastefactory

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

@cervixsmash

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing

@Cornjerker78

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

@SICKOFWOLVES

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

@KtotheK39

I dated a guy so arrogant he walked into a post while looking at his reflection in a store window. I left him.

Unconscious on the street.

@hippieswordfish

ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon

@Crutnacker

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

@JediGigi

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

@FeelingEuphoric

villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed