Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I dated a guy so arrogant he walked into a post while looking at his reflection in a store window. I left him.
Unconscious on the street.
ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
Biden: Trust me.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed