I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
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“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Wait for it
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.