@anerdonfire2

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

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@daemonic3

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

@Big_Cat74

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

@sock_holliday

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

@kelownagoose

If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.

@amusedkerching

Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.

@OhSweetCharity

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

@AndrewNadeau0

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.