I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah