I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank


Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.


[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny


‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes


If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.


Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.


If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.


Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.