I was 17 having dinner w new gf’s parents. Pooped. 1st flush didn’t take. I got nervous they’d hear a 2nd so I threw the turd out the window

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[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”



The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.


GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is


Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …


If Twitter was any more fun we’d have to smuggle it in from Mexico.


INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?


*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy


[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen


I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.


I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.