*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
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I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?