I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months