I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.