i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
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11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.