@PhilJamesson

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

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@iRowlf

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

@1BigMick

My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor.

@Chay_Raghu

I met my wife on Tinder

* After 8 months of our marriage*

@bylinetd

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

@liv_thatsme

I wish I had a black stallion, so any time I got really pissed, I could angrily ride along the ocean.

@yonewt

It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@sarcasm_inc

A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called “disappointed”
Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.

@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.