I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
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[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?