I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
two people or more is called a problem
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.