Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Thank you.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[being held back from my burning house by firemen]
get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Spread me apart, lick, & enjoy my cream!
~Oreos, you pervs
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”