@JonasPolsky

I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

@trojansauce

[being held back from my burning house by firemen]

get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE

@BoogTweets

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN

@Scigglez

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”