british sex workers really pound for pound
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End