@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
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@RodLacroix: Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year? Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed? Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.
@SSDated: If Kevin Bacon never said "want some bacon with your eggs" to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn't make sense anymore.
@InternetHippo: Pokémon Go has taught us that there's a disturbing number of dead bodies just laying around everywhere
@isabelzawtun: Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single? Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge