I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific


[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!


COP: can anybody else describe the suspect?
JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees
COP: anybody


[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless


just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait


[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


8 out of 10 men prefer not to date psychotic women with bad tempers, emotional baggage and daddy issues.

To the other two….

Hi, I’m MJ


I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.