english majors be like furthermore
I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
E-incense to mask e-joint e-odor.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
This oatmeal tastes like I’m gonna need a doughnut.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.