@tsm560

I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

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@Parkerlawyer

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

@Sarcasmo718

The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.

@ArfMeasures

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

@Reverend_Scott

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

@tylerschmall

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.