I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
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Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My neck, my back, my…
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.