Just passing along this helpful tip I found 馃槒
You Might Also Like
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I’m being attacked 馃槶
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can鈥檛 say that to people.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pok茅mon.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there鈥檇 be bunnies
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Merry Christmas
Oh. My. God.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My wife鈥檚 filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I鈥檓 done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you鈥檝e played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”