*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I was annoyed that a book I needed was checked out from the library, and had been for a long time. I finally got fed up and bought a copy online. Organizing my office a bit this morning I realized that I was the one who checked it out from the library.
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Cat knocks over coffee
Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.