I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Is….Is this an option?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.