Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white