I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
You Might Also Like
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.