I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
he chose this
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.