I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).