@perfect_boxx

I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.

I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.

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@batkaren

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

@ihateitmunky

a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket

@supaj76

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

@fridaycandy

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

@Be___Dope

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

@hipchkk

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: (talking to anyone)

Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!