How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I was asked to name my top 10 most favorite books.
I don’t have 10 so I just started naming insects.
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: (talking to anyone)
Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!