If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Smells like a challenge to me
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪