Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
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*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear