@Iam_ikjoseph

I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?

I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑

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@KentWGraham

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

@stevevsninjas

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

@Chelsea_Elle

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

@Eden_Eats

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

@msmessymist

Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!

@lawbsterfest

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

@shanethevein

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.