I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?
I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑
You Might Also Like
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.