“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Dog: am I a wolf?
God: no you’re a dog.
Dog: what’s the difference?
God: wolves live in a pack.
Dog: like a family?
God: ok yes.
Dog: I am a wolf!
God: but wolves howl at the moon.
God: you bark at appliances.
Dog: [offended] I do not!
God: [turns on vacuum].
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean