@BringDaNoyz

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

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@GodAnimalBooks

Dog: am I a wolf?

God: no you’re a dog.

Dog: what’s the difference?

God: wolves live in a pack.

Dog: like a family?

God: ok yes.

Dog: I am a wolf!

God: but wolves howl at the moon.

Dog: so?

God: you bark at appliances.

Dog: [offended] I do not!

God: [turns on vacuum].

@PleaseBeGneiss

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

@vladchoc

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

@fuckmarrywill

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

@LurkAtHomeMom

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

@dumbbeezie

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean