I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.