I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”


Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time


ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*


I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”


Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?


The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early.

Like father, like son.


BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.