Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

me irl

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive