@humanaaron

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

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@HoneyWooWoo

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

@zaktoscani

Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

@Thedudish

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

@IndecisiveJones

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

@poutinesmoothie

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

@girlnarly

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@ArfMeasures

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

@WilliamAder

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

@ItsSamG

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted