I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

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*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.


Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.


Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.



sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you


Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.


[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem


[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?


I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!


I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted