I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
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He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.