Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.