i was baptized in a car wash
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Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
This pepper has seen some shit
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*