I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
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There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
This is my cat’s medicine.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
marvel comics have peaked
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.