I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
hot sauce is okay but what i’m really looking for is a rich older sauce that will help me pay off my student loan
Wife: What’s the Harlem shake?
Me: I don’t know, I think they sell them at Burger King?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written