I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

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car salesman: this one is self-driving

me: [not impressed] i literally always drive by myself

car salesman: that’s not-

me: do u have any that come with friends


Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force


“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced


*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—


*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*


Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.


My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.


Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?


INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think