I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
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You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
mariah carrie
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
What?!?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.