I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.