@FeelsLike2sday

I was born to be wild, but only until around 9:30

You Might Also Like

@GrillinChillin9

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

@GuyBreakup

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

@kumailn

My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas costs everywhere

@hilaryfairie

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

@Browtweaten

priest: we need to sacrifice a villager in the volcano

king: okay so–

me: *sprints past them and does a cannonball* wheeee

@huntigula

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

@portmanteauface

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

@mattgallo123

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

@philmann

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

@JennyJohnsonHi5

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?