I was born to be wild, but only until around 9:30

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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.


Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.


My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas costs everywhere


Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…


priest: we need to sacrifice a villager in the volcano

king: okay so–

me: *sprints past them and does a cannonball* wheeee


ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.


Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting


*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket


PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom


How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?