Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I was born to be wild, but only until around 9:30
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas costs everywhere
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
priest: we need to sacrifice a villager in the volcano
king: okay so–
me: *sprints past them and does a cannonball* wheeee
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?