Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”