@solomongeorgio

I was called a faggot by an angry homeless woman last night. I would’ve been offended but I was too busy living in a home.

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@SortaBad

Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves

@MittenDAmour

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

@human_dis4ster

new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that’s now actually right bing bang boom match

@KeetPotato

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

@JohnHilsen

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

@EndhooS

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

@Mardigroan

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.