Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
It’s nice being home to spend time again with my first love: uninterrupted panic
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.