I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The Birdles
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
How I’d get arrested…
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home