@mortimermaiden

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

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@0v3rthOught

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

@Cravin4

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

@_Kim_Jongun

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

@KandyKoehn

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

@hashtagyolo11

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

@TrueQuixote

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

@psybermonkey

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

@ZackBornstein

It’s nice being home to spend time again with my first love: uninterrupted panic

@mendigurl

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

@seamusmckracken

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.