I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold