I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

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Do these jeans make me look fat? And don’t cover your nose this time!

-Pinocchio’s girlfriend


[me on a ledge]
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*


Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.


I don’t mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to trip them or push them down 10 flights of stairs.


ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
W: dont
M: a pigment of my imagination


women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady


President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.


LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice