I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.