@TheAlexNevil

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

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@SteveSuckington

Do these jeans make me look fat? And don’t cover your nose this time!

-Pinocchio’s girlfriend

@dave_cactus

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to trip them or push them down 10 flights of stairs.

@hippieswordfish

ME: i thought i saw a new color today
WIFE: wait- is this..are you..
M: but it-
W: oh no
M: was just-
W: dont
M: a pigment of my imagination

@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

@aka_fatman

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

@funnyordie

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice