Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.