@thebeckyard

I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.

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@Rica_Bee

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

@Gupton68

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

@IchBin_Rob

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

@notalogin

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

@stephenjmolloy

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

@AVenezuelan19

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

@drunkNnaughty

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

@heymonroe

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.