this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.
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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.