I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.

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this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now


Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.


The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.


[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.


I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star


Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?


Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.


I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.


I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.