Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Shoo shoo! 😂
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….