In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
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IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
God making jellyfish: Let鈥檚 make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we鈥檒l name it jelly
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we鈥檙e ending each session on a cliffhanger
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I鈥檓 looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That鈥檚 my specialty.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 馃馃槀
I鈥檓 not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady鈥檚 hair and I didn鈥檛 tell her.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they鈥檙e on sale*
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
DOCTOR: congratulations it鈥檚 a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It鈥檚 a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Can鈥檛 wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone