I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
You Might Also Like
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along