I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

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7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.


Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????


I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!


[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?


*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date


Salamanders are the most passive aggressive animal. You grab their tail and they’re like “have that one, I don’t even want it”


One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.


Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!