@TheBoydP

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

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@lmegordon

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

@HavocMantis

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????

@sadhatterskwrl

I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!

@InternetHippo

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

@Poutymcgee

*brings all the jars I can’t open along with me on our first date

@DillDoes

Salamanders are the most passive aggressive animal. You grab their tail and they’re like “have that one, I don’t even want it”

@OhMrWonka

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

@Cyd10e

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!