I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…