I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Always a housemaid, never a house.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons