People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Always.
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