I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
let’s discuss
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
congratulations to them
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?