HR: you know why you’re here, right?
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
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Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.
‘What other miracles can you do?’
Jesus: I can varnish
‘You mean vanish?’
J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
I moved the damn towel.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.