@alovablenerd

I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.

well, guess what, Brianne?

Happy 25th anniversary

Tell Dad I said hi

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@sfreeze6

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.

@Audenary

‘What other miracles can you do?’

Jesus: I can varnish

‘You mean vanish?’

J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite

@MantisBlue

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

@MacAnnabella

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

@tastefactory

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

@XplodingUnicorn

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

@XplodingUnicorn

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

@ddsmidt

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

@LuckoftheDraw86

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.