@BrianIncognito

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

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@crunchenhancer

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

@nvd197

My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

@jackiembouvier

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

@StellaRtwot

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@heyevergreen

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

@BlindChow

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

@gruffybeard

I’m pretty sure Tom and Jerry were married.

Sure, there were some instances of them getting along, but mostly they never talked and spent their days trying to kill each other in the most painful way possible.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

@RandiLawson

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

@jackiembouvier

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.