I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
You Might Also Like
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!